One of the most important things I had to learn when I started my company was how to quickly get off the phone with people who wanted to waste my time. It seems trivial, but in an effort to be polite and not burn any bridges, I was wasting a lot of time.

Recruiters call but we’re not looking to work with a recruiter. Business partners call about partnerships that we’d never do. Venture capitalist interns call in order to build a relationship and don’t seem to acknowledge that the only relationships that lead to funding start with a recommendation from a founder that has already been successful. Plus we’re not looking for funding.

I’ve tried a bunch of ways to get out of these calls. Three of the ways cut the call short but leave me angry and take me out of the zone of whatever I was doing. I don’t like hanging up because it feels rude. I don’t like yelling at the person — that definitely puts me into a bad mood. And I really don’t like arguing with the person and then losing the argument. That’s the worst.

The system I eventually hit on was to put together a polite script that led to me hanging up.

First I made clear policies for myself so that I knew which conversations I wanted to have and which I wanted to get out of. We’re not looking for funding and if we do, we will mine our own network for introductions to VC. We don’t do partnerships unless the partner already has a customer who is asking specifically for us and who is willing to pay for any integration work. We never work with recruiters and haven’t had any problems finding the people we need.

Second, I put together actual scripts that I practice and refine with each call.

Sales people
The sales calls we get range from ridiculous (vinyl siding) to somebody didn’t do their homework (managed DNS). I use the following script:

“Thank you for the call. This isn’t something we’re looking for right now. If you’d email me some information, I’ll keep it on file and get back to you . My email address is tony at crowdvine dot com. Thank you. [pause] Have a nice day. [pause] Goodbye. [pause] [click].”

Here are the key parts. Everything I said was polite. A lot of times your actions effect your mood, so it’s really important (to me) that I act in a way that maintains my positive mood. I was also direct. I gave a real reason and a real email address. I avoid triggering the moral response I get when I lie. Last, I got off the phone within 15 seconds. Those pauses are there to give the person a chance to also have a polite conversation. But the truth is that I’m not listening. They can say whatever they want and I’m hanging up at the end of my script.

I used to also say, “You don’t need to contact me again,” but that’s arguing and sales people take that as an opening for a conversation. The script above sends a stronger message, “It’s easy for me to ignore you.”

Venture Captialist Interns
Venture capital firms have interns (“associates”) who cold call companies claiming that they want to start building a relationship in case you ever need funding. What they’re really doing is market research. There’s a great discussion of this on Hacker News.

Since most founders are at least a little bit afraid of venture capitalists, they’re really hesitant to be rude, even though these calls are a total waste of time (there is zero chance that it will lead to funding) and the intern is lying to your face. I’ve never had to answer this one on the phone, but I did use the script below in an email to good effect.

“Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately, as a matter of policy, we don’t take meetings regarding speculative partnerships. If we decide to look for funding we will be back in touch.”

This is the George Costanza strategy. It’s not them, it’s us. The conversation is over. The intern that I sent this to did send me a email back, but he couldn’t muster anything strong enough that I had to stay in the thread.

If you get caught on the phone by one of these guys you could probably throw in a “That’s our policy, why don’t you send any information to my email address? Thank you. Have a nice day.” At that point, if you still aren’t off the phone you can just keep repeating “Thank you. Have a nice day” until you’ve worn them down.

Partners

We’re open to the possibility of partnerships. In fact our software was built with the idea that we’d do one thing well and then integrate with other people who did something else well. But calls about partnerships have always been a time waster for us just because of priorities.

The time we spend on customer service and product development has both a bigger and more immediate effect on the business. So it really doesn’t matter if a partnership would have positive effects, because the things we’re already doing have a bigger effect.

I use a modification of the line I use with VC interns, that we have a policy of not meeting about speculative partnerships.

“Thank you for your interest. As a matter of policy we’re only interested in partnerships that fill a request from one of our customers or where the partner is bringing a customer that will pay for CrowdVine’s services. Do you have a customer that is asking for CrowdVine?”

The answer is almost always no. So that’s when I move into my wrap up script, “Why don’t you send me your product information. My email is tony at crowdvine dot com. I’ll keep it on file and if one of my customers asks for something like this then we’ll get back on the phone. [pause] Thank you [pause] Good bye [pause] Have a nice day [pause] [click]”

A potential partner is much more likely than a salesperson to respond positively to the script above and actually say good bye when you do. If they don’t, then it’s ok to hangup because they’re secretly a salesperson.

Recruiters

The second the economy went south we started getting calls from recruiters trying to place candidates. Recruiters are the worst. I think the ones who call us are people who found car sales too physically demanding (because you’re always having to walk to the manager’s office). It’s extremely important not to listen to anything they say.

I’m still looking for the perfect script, the one that leaves them feeling dehumanized and makes clear that there is no reason for them to ever call us back. Here’s my current version:

“Thank you for thinking of our company. Unfortunately, as a matter of policy we pick our firms based on references from our advisors. Best of luck placing your candidate. Have a nice day. [pause] Good bye [click]”

Notice how I’ve removed the [pause] before hanging up on them? That’s because a recruiter will argue anything. Hanging up immediately means the last thing I hear is myself being polite.

The reason I give them, about references, is a bit of a white lie. It’s technically true, but is much less important than the real reason I’m hanging up–we’re a networking company with our phone number plastered on our website. Any candidate who could possibly fit here would just call us directly.

If the recruiter does call back, I use the same script but say the “pause” out loud in order to make clear that they’re getting a scripted response.

I never would have guessed that figuring out the above tips would be so important. In general, being accessible to our customers has had a lot of benefits. I have my direct phone number on the website and that leads to a lot of great conversations with customers. I’d recommend the same thing if you can find a way to deal the solicitations.

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